A reflection by Rev. Joshua Tomalin

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
– John 13:35

Many of you will have noticed that part of being online, particularly being part of a cross-denominational group that spans nations, theology, and ecclesiology, means disagreeing. It is unavoidable. But the way in which we disagree matters hugely; we should aim for good disagreement, loving disagreement – not conflict, because to love one another is not just the core part of what being a follower of Jesus means, but is also how others view us and the gospel we present. All too often we may feel content to talk to one another online in a manner we would never consider in person, and we may often be far more unloving to our fellow Christians than to those outside the church. Jesus is quite clear that this cannot be! Our love for one another, in everything, including in how we disagree, is not simply a part of our relations; it is central.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 
– Ephesians 4:2-3

So firstly, we must be humble. “I might be wrong…” or “I might not have understood the other person fully…” should be thoughts not far from our minds when we engage with each other. On any given theological topic, whatever our level of expertise, we are presenting the truth with trembling hands. I have personally had the great fortune to spend several years dedicated to the study of theology, and perhaps the biggest lesson you learn is just how much you still have to learn. So be humble.

We must also be gentle. A call to gentle disagreement is radically counter-cultural in online conservative circles. There is a reasonable suspicion that calls for gentleness have curtailed challenge in our churches, have restricted rigorous theological scrutiny of the direction that those in higher church leadership have taken. That may be a valid point. But don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater! When we engage with anyone, in-person but especially online, we have no idea what is going on for them in their lives. We have no idea how words we throw out carelessly might land in another context. We must always be aware that we are speaking to hearts that are broken, discouraged, and doubting. Being indiscriminately blunt may be seen by many to be a sign of theological rigour, but all too often it is the sign of a manner that leaves hurt in its wake. Be gentle.

Likewise, be patient, bear with one another. All of us are often stubborn in our views, passionate about what we believe. We are not quick to change our minds; we are not quick to accept correction. When was the last time you walked away from a conversation on Discord thinking – “Yes, that person was right – I was wrong…”? So, when you’re disagreeing with someone and you really, really feel like you’re right, but you feel like they just won’t budge, that they’re being unreasonable, and if they would only listen to you, then everything would be well … be patient. Because if you’re right, then you’re still going to be right in an hour, in a day, in a week – and they’re only behaving in the exact way we all do when we’re wrong. This is the other side of the coin of being humble – when we’re humble, we recognise that there will be times we are wrong, and we need to know how to deal with that. Being patient is recognising there will be times others are wrong, and we need to know how to deal with that, loving them with all the love that shows we are a follower of Christ.

Lastly – seek peace. Disagreement is easy, peace takes effort, when we disagree with one another it is the easiest thing to do to keep the argument going, and the longer we do, the more our emotions rise, the more we are likely to lose our cool, and behave in ways we are sinful, but we keep going because in disagreement the inertia of the conversation will always be to continue disagreeing. So, when we disagree with one another, always keep in mind – “What would it take for us to come to a place of unity and peace?” This does not mean total agreement, trying to force a situation in which everyone agrees on everything – that may sound ideal, but it is not always possible. But finding a place where you can truly be at peace with a fellow brother or sister is possible, and we should always aim for that with one another. We should never aim to be in conflict with each other; if we find ourselves there, we should be looking for a way out, with graciousness and respect.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Ephesians 4:25-26

This short reflection on disagreement may be dismissed as idealistic. Surely there are times when harsh words are needed, when robust debate is required, indeed, when anger is right! Yes, there will be times when forceful communication is necessary – especially when confronting someone who has genuinely hurt you or hurt others, or when injustice has been done. Righteous anger is not something defective in a Christian; it is the right response to sin in a broken world.

But anger does not give permission to insult one another, it does not give permission to treat someone unfairly, or to twist their words. It also does not give us the permission to read the worst possible intentions into someone’s actions and accuse them indiscriminately. In your anger, do not sin. Righteous anger is a limited category; we cannot simply put the label of “righteous” on all of our anger and call it a day – it requires careful discernment, because the general direction of scripture is away from anger and towards love. Likewise, to be robust and forthright in our language does not mean we can disregard gentleness, care for others, and patience.

I’ll end this reflection with Paul’s words in Colossians:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 4:12-14